Life puts you in a centrifuge

It's been a while. A mountain of things have happened.

I came back to Finland. Malmö took me in a mental condition I will never again want to be in. I tore an ankle ligament 6 months back.

All of this shit made me put on a lot of weight. It's easy to understand why. You're taken your number one form of exercise.  You're put through a huge amount of second thoughts. You're stripped away your social circle. You're put to live in the middle of nowhere as a cripple. Your life consists of Netflix now. You don't have energy to go anywhere. You're way too depressed to do practically anything constructive. You're afraid of the language, of all things.

So I'm back to Finland. I'm not quite alright, not yet. I still battle everyday anxiety. I have a load of traumas like I never had before. I'm waiting for my evaluation period at a psychiatric clinic to start. But I have good makings for a better life. I got a gym membership, I got my old derby league back, I got a bike, I got a home, I got my pets.

I can skate again, ref at least. I can't run at all or walk long distances.

It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror these days, or pictures of you. That's maybe the hardest part. After all these years of learning self love and unlearning body negativity I find myself in a situation where I can barely look at myself.

The human body is a Barbapapa, tho. You can shape it to many forms and it changes even though you're not actively changing it. I'm just trying to ignore my self loath and not be too hard on myself. Not gonna diet. Will try to cut on snacks and fast food since it doesn't agree with my health too well. Will try to increase my everyday exercise, get a good gym routine going on and cycle as often as I can. Will try to improve myself as a skater.  That's the best I can at the moment. I think it's okay.

Picture credit: Marko Niemelä. These games were one of my highest profile events so far, but these pics were hard to look at.